Pssst! The Gay Agenda, Revealed!

In this rare moment of peace, now that Judge Walker has donned his shining knight’s armor and slain the beasts of bigotry and fear; now that our side is winning this current bout of tug-of-war and the dread Proposition 8 is temporarily being cast into the mud; and now that marriage is (at least in theory) available for everyone, I can finally divulge the secret no one has dared reveal before:

There is a Gay Agenda.

I felt it was only fair to give fair and complete disclosure. The marriage “traditionalists” have been so thoroughly trounced by the Court (of law, and of common sense) that I feel the need to throw them a bone. They are right: there is indeed a Master Plan brewing, concocted by all my lavender brethren. Before I send the pertinent documents to Wikileaks, I’ve decided to post them here. Forthwith:

The Gay Agenda:

1. Take over Bravo TV;
2. Outlaw pleated pants;.
3. Create a stable, loving home for our families, without the threat of it being dismantled by any capricious law or proposition;
4. Be able to cross over state lines without our families being questioned, reclassified, and/or harassed;
5. Raise children that have a strong, sure sense of who they are, who never feel ashamed of where they come from, that feel safe and secure in their homes, knowing that their parents are married married, and not that shadowy, confusing “other thing” (domestic partner, civil partner) that means they’re “like married” but not really married;
6. Have children who can love their two dads or two moms (isn’t that a Commandment? To Honor thy parents?) without being beaten up for it;
7. Be able to enter a hospital room during an emergency without having to explain what a “domestic partner is;
8. Bring up kids proud to be Americans (Cue John Philip Sousa music) Though we know they will encounter intolerance and prejudice in their lives, we don’t need the federal government codifying it. Our children should be proud of their country, not fearful of it. Let them believe, that at our best, the United States stands for liberty and justice FOR ALL. (Music swells and… out)

Oh, and—

9. World domination and pagan idolatry. Preferably with farm animals;
10. Pick up dry cleaning.

Amen.